New Game: Fish

In honor of my little brother who is in love with fish, I've added a new game to this site.  Yay!  It's called "Fish" and is very, very, very simple.  It probably shouldn't even be called a game.  But whatever.  Anyway, all you do is click on blue part and a bit of fish food appears where you clicked your cursor.  Then the fish swarm over in a panicked frenzy and eat the food as fast as they can while you watch in a fascinated horror.  It's surprisingly fun.  Now I have a question for you: what colors should the fish be?  Blue, green, white, black, orange, red, and yellow are the main colors, but I might be able to change them into something different.  Please post your suggestions below!

Answering Machines

Here are some of the best answering machine messages of all time.  Please, please, please use these for your own phones.  It will make calling people so much more fun.

• A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century.  Any message you leave will be broadcasted into the future.
• Hi, I'm not here, but my answering machine is, so talk to it instead.
• Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how we wonder who you are.  Leave a message at the beep.  We'll call back before you sleep.  Twinkle, twinkle, little star, bet you're wondering where we are.
• Greetings!  This is not an answering machine - this is a thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, reason for calling, and a number I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
• Hello.  Now you say something.
• Hi!  Bob's answering machine was broken.  This is his fridge.  Please speak very slowly.  I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
• Hi.  I'm probably here.  I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you.
• I'm not here, I'm rarely here, and when I'm here, I'm on the phone, so please leave a message at the tone!
• Hello, this is Suzie's microwave.  Her answering machine just eloped with the DVD player, so I'm stuck taking her calls.  If you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
• You've reached Alpha Centauri Space Station.  Commander Larry can't come to the phone right now.  He's either saving the universe from some dreaded, nameless peril - or perhaps he's taking a nap.  Leave your name and number and he will return your call.
• This is you-know-who.  I am you-know-where.  Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
• (said very fast)  Hi, I'm not here right now.  If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone.  If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6, and dial your number.  If you want to leave a name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message.  If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud, and.... *BEEP!*
• So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, please leave a message and I'll get back to thee.
• After the tone, please leave your name and number and tell me where you hid the money.
• Hello, I'm Brenda's answering machine.  What are you?
• Hi there.  This is Will speaking.  In a moment I have a decision to make.  Leave your name and number and I'll think about it.
• Thank you for calling.  If you wish to speak with Lily, press 1 now.  If you wish to talk with Lily's family, press 2 now.  If you have the wrong number, press 3 now.  All this button pushing does nothing, but it's a good way to work off frustration and it makes me feel like I have a big-time phone system.

You can find these and more wonderful answering machine messages in Uncle John's Bathroom Reader.  Leave your favorite answering machine message in the comments.

More Quotes (Aren't you lucky?)

I found these quotes at Smith Magazine and from the book I Can't Keep My Own Secrets.  All of these quotes are six words long - which is why they are called "Six Word Memoirs."  Some funny and some sad, I encourage you to read and come up with a few of your own.  You'd be surprised how much you can say with so little words.

• Super powers would make things easier.
• I giggle to cover all emotions.
• I'm army boots.  Ready for battle.
• You're the parent, act like one.
• Rather be alone in my room.
• They screamed "nobody."  I believed them.
• I looked it up on Wikipedia.
• Wikipedia didn't know either.  Oh well.
• Spent more time reading than living.
• I will be that cat lady.
• In love with best friend's boyfriend.
• I resent people who ignore grammar.
• Sick of being the good child.
• Can't live without a little insanity.
• Finally learned "weird" is a compliment.
• I'm just a simple human.  Being.
• Googled what he called me.  Ouch.
• Slowly becoming everything I hate.
• Learned that friends sometimes aren't forever.
• Fell in love with best friend.
• We're the family you gossip about.
• I miss all my imaginary friends.
• Replaced Prince Charming with someone real.
• Called walrus.  Should probably feel insulted.

Comment and leave some of your own Six Word Memoirs down below.

The Do's and Don'ts of Having a Stomach Flu During Christmas

Well, if you haven't guessed I have the stomach flu today (throwing up has never been so awful).  So if any of you are having stomach flu problems, either during Christmas or any other time of the year, I've complied a list of do's and don'ts of having a stomach flue.

 

• Do change into comfortable clothing.  It's no fun puking up your guts while wearing stiff clothing.
• Don't eat anything.  It's a bad idea for a number of reasons.
• Don't lie on your stomach.  It's more painful than you might think.
• Do watch a movie or some TV.  The best thing to do is relax and try to rest.  Plus, laughing is the best type of medicine.
• Do stay near a bathroom.  I think you can figure this one out.
• Don't read or try to think.  Yeah, writing this blog is probably a really bad idea.
• Don't ride in a car.  You will be muttering "Kill me.  Kill me now."
• Do have something ready to drink.  It helps settle your stomach and it's a great way to get some 7-Up.
• Don't go open your presents.  Trust me, you can wait.
• Do separate yourself from other people.  They may not say it, but they will appreciate you not making them sick as heck.
• Do take a nap.  You're going to be really tired.  Being sick to your stomach is hard work.
• Don't do anything.  At all.  Enjoy your day off as much as you can.

 

Have a merry Christmas everyone and keep healthy.
ox, Sarcastic Chick

Mulan (1998)

I've noticed that the older I get the more I enjoy kid movies.  Especially Disney kid movies.  They always seem to sneak in an inappropriate comment or two into their movies that as children we didn't see.  To celebrate being able to understand all the grown-up jokes thrown into movies, I've been watching a plethra of Disney lately.  My most recent movie (I seriously finished two minutes ago.  YouTube rocks.) was Mulan.  Now if you haven't seen Mulan here's pretty much what it's about:

Mulan is a girl, the only child of her honored family. When the Huns invade China, one man from every family is called to arms. Mulan's father, who has an old wound and cannot walk properly, decides to fight for his country and the honor of his family though it is clear that he will not survive an enemy encounter. Mulan, who just got rejected by the matchmaker because she had set her on fire, decides to prove that she is worth something and steals away to fit her father's place in the Chinese army. She prays to her family's ancestors for protection and luck before leaving as a man in her father's armor with her family's horse. The ancestors awake and decide to send Mushu, a little dishonored dragon to aid Mulan in her quest. Weeks later, Mulan and the other troopers have survived the training camp and are on the way north to stop the huns. After being spotted and pursued by the enemies, an impass situation in the mountains forces Mulan to come up with an idea. But then, her real gender will no longer be a secret. She decides to risk everything in order to save China.

I hadn't seen this movie in about five or six years, keep in mind.  So I did not expect the massive number of sly comments and less-than-clean scenes.  Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the movie:

"What's the matter?  Never seen a black and white before?"
"I never want to see a naked man again."
"No one's listening to me."  "What?"  "Mushu!"  "Sorry, you're a girl again."
"She's a woman!  She's not worth anything."
"You're too skinny.  Not good for having boys."
"I think I'm going to go pray some more."
"You know how it is when you get those manly urges and just have to go kill something..."  (bwahahaha!  This is my favorite quote!)
"Whoo!  Sign me up for the next war!"
"Concubines.  Ugly concubines."

Some of my favorite scenes:

When Mulan is bathing in the stream and the boys jump in with her.  Awkward.
When Mushu bites Ling in the ass.  "That was close."  "No that was vile!  You owe me."
When the boys sing "A Girl Worth Fighting For" and Mulan is in the middle of it.
When they cross-dress to save China!

As you can see, my viewing experience was very enjoyable.  What are your favorite kid movies that are sneakily inappropriate?  Please comment below!

Christmas Break = More Blogging

Christmas break is finally here *fist pump* (or if you are one of my friends - you know who you are - you would say "hip thrust!".... and then do it.  Social outings with her are always very interesting).  This means I have more time to post new blogs which is always a good thing.  So if you have any suggestions of things for me to review please leave a comment or e-mail me at sarcastic_comments@yahoo.com.  I'm hoping to do a couple more books since I've only done a couple so far.  Songs and videos are also awesome and really fun to share.  Thank you so much for reading and I hope to post a ton more very soon!  Peace out :P

The Oatmeal

Quick note:  Sorry it's been so long since I last posted.  School, swimming, friends, and procrastinating caught up with me all at once (semester tests suck).  To make up for it, I'm going to show you another blog that you can enjoy when I'm not writing.

'Kay, so I found this website about a year ago, but didn't really get into it until about a week or two ago.  It's called The Oatmeal and it kicks some serious butt.  The guy who writes for this site has a dry, sarcastic sense of humor and mixes it with some of his passions.  Namely, cats, grammar, and technology.  Most of the site is in "comic" form which would normally bug the heck outta me, but for this site it's half the fun.  While I don't agree with everything he says, some of it makes a lot of sense.  Weird how that happens, huh?  I encourage you to check it out and please comment on how you liked it.  See ya!

*Warning:  Some of the stuff on this site is a bit inappropriate.  Just thought you should know.

*Another quick note:  Sorry (again) for the short entries.  I have a ton going on and probably shouldn't even be posting, but because I love you guys soooo much I do anyway (or maybe because I'm procrastinating...nah).

1, 2, 3, 4 by the Plain White T's

If you haven't noticed, I'm not much for love songs or stories.  To me they all seem the same (check out How to Write a Love Song to see what I mean).  This song is one of the few exceptions because it is just so darn sweet.  How can you not love it?  I was already a fan of this song when one of my friends told me to see the music video ("You have to put this music video on your blog.  It's so sweet!").  So I did what I was told and saw the video.  I must say, this is a really cute music video.  Even in my most cynical mood I think this video would make me smile.  Check it out:  1, 2, 3, 4 by the Plain White T's

Real World by the All-American Rejects

While I have a few All-American Reject songs on my iPod, I wouldn't call myself a huge fan.  They have okay songs and aren't too terribly original with their sound.  That being said, there is one of their songs I can't help but love.  Real World by the All-American Rejects is one of my favorite songs ever.  The style in this song is a bit darker than their other stuff and maybe that's why I like it so much.  The lyrics remind me of the kind of books I like - a bit twisted and sad.  My favorite line would have to be "At first we learned to walk, then learned to scream."  How awesome is that?  Anyway because I enjoy this song so much I'm actually putting it on this blog (as you can see below).  Unfortunately, it's they don't have a music video so the one I'm putting up is the song and lyrics (but it's very well done).  Enjoy!

Save the World by Swedish House Mafia

Okay, so a friend told me to check out this video on youtube because "it's hard to explain, but it's epic.  You'll love it."  I said I'd check it out and here I am, sharing it with all of you!  I did really like this song, I must say.  It wasn't about love or breaking up or how everything sucks and we can't do anything about it.  It was more like yeah some things are bad, but we can fight back.  We're not totally useless.  The music video is really sweet.  Gotta say, I love the dogs.  See it here.

How it Should Have Ended: Harry Potter

One of my favorite websites is How it Should Have Ended.  It takes movies, TV shows, and video games and shows what could have and really should have happened.  One of my favorites would have to be How Harry Potter Should Have Ended.  Now I'm not a huge Potter fan but I have seen the movies and know my way around the story so this video makes a load of sense for me.  If you haven't seen the Harry Potter movies (though I'm not really sure that's possible) you might not totally get this video but it's still pretty dang funny.

Creature of the Night by Kate Thompson

(inside cover of book)  Bobby isn't afraid of a little danger.  He thrives on it.  Smoking, drinking, racing stolen cars:  All the cops in Dublin know him and his gang.  But the real danger might not be in Dublin after all.  Bobby's mother has just moved their family to a quaint house in an idyllic village where he's meant to reform.  Only something's not right about that house.  The previous tenant mysteriously disappeared.  Stories of murder surround the family who lived there for years.  And now even Bobby's little brother talks about a strange visitor who comes to the house at night.  Bobby isn't afraid of a little danger.  But this danger isn't like the of dangers in his life.  This danger lurks and creeps and won't go away.  This danger is more like the suffocating hopelessness of his own future.  Bobby isn't afraid, he just wants to know: who is the Creature of the Night?

Review:  I won't use the inside cover description a lot on this blog, but I had to use it in this case.  Based on the description, you'd think it was a creepy, chiller book that will have you at the edge of your seat and keep you up at night.  It wasn't.  As a frequent reader and lover of scary stories, I was very disappointed.  But to be fair, the writing wasn't bad and neither was the plot.  Some of the characters weren't too realistic but for the most part they were pretty good.  Just be warned: if you're looking for a scary story skip over this one.

Have You Ever Noticed.... Opposites

Have you ever noticed that there are times when people say one thing and it's the total opposite?  It's funny when they're being sarcastic and joking, but it's just plain sad when they're not.  Here are some of my favorite examples.

I'm/my friends/the activity I'm in is really cool.  Fact - if you say this, you/your friends/the activity you're in is not cool.  Saying it's cool will not change it into being cool, no matter how many times you say it.  I had a friend who insisted that marching band kids are way cooler than the other kids, including the athletes.  I really like marching band kids (most of my friends are in marching band), but they are always lower on the social totem pole than the athletes.  Always.  I'm so sorry.

I'm so helpful.  Most people say this on accident while they are helping someone out.  It's just an awkward slip-of-the tongue and they are quick to laugh and joke about it with you.  But then there are the people who do mean it.  They are usually total suck-ups or three-year-old children.  I'd advise to stay away from both.

They know me by name there.  Again, most people say this with sarcasm - indicating that they go to a certain place more than they probably need to.  Of course, there are the people who truly mean this.  They can fit into one of three categories: 1) they are very sad and don't have anywhere else to go 2) they are just bragging and being freakin' annoying or 3) both.

Yeah, I'm so fat.  The people who say this are usually stick-thin, practically anorexic girls who probably weighs 50 pounds.  As I'm not a stick-thin, practically anorexic girl who weighs 50 pounds, this bugs the crap out of me.  You're skinny.  Don't deny it, just deal with it.  If you're fat then what are you calling the rest of us, huh?

Do you have any favorite opposites?  Please share below!

Twifail

*'Kay, so I realize that some of you out there may be Twilight fans.  That's fine.  I'm just expressing my opinion.  Please don't freak out.  If you're going to then just stop reading.  Right now.  Still reading?  Then I'm not longer responsible for your freak out.


So Breaking Dawn: Part 1 just came out yesterday (I was not aware of this until during class one of the girls was like, "OMTwilight, I saw Breaking Dawn last night!  *squeal*").  I believe this would be an excellent time to tell you I strongly dislike Twilight with a passion.  There is no plot, Edward is an abusive stalker, Bella is a whiny, ungrateful, self-absorbed, self-destructive little girl who needs to get a grip, Jacob is just plain creepy with a capital CREEPY, and vampires should never, ever sparkle.  Ever.  It's just gross and wrong.  Plus, it's so poorly written.  Ugh, it's almost painful to read.  Sometimes I wonder if Stephenie Meyer just woke up one morning and go "Oh, I think I'll just ruin vampire novels for everyone and at the same time set back feminists about 100 years."  Oh, that's right, SHE DID (she got the book idea from a freakin' dream).  Anyway, here are some of my very favorite anti-Twilight sayings:

• Jacob Black, I want to 'La Push' you off a cliff.
• Stephenie Meyer is my hero.  If she can publish a book I know I can.
• Then Buffy staked Edward.  The End.
• Team Tyler's Van
• Twilight: Bram Stoker is rolling in his grave.

And here is a great musical based on the books by Gliff Productions!  Enjoy!

Harry Potter Humourous Interpretation

Are you a Harry Potter fan?  Do you enjoy laughing?  Do you have any sense at all?  Then this oral interp piece is perfect for you!  It was preformed by Nathan Rarick from Manzano HS (Albuquerque, NM).  He got second place, but in my opinion he should have won - he is so good!  To look at part one click here.  To watch part two click here.  I have to say my favorite part would have to be his singing.  Amazing!  ;) 

"Have you ever walked in on your parents while they were....being brutally attacked by a psychotic wizard killer who was after you too?"

Quotes R Us

Have you ever being reading or listening to something and a line just seems to stick out a bit more than the rest?  Well, because this seems to happen to me all of the time, I'm going to shove a few down your throat...er, I mean share a couple ;)

• "She's just in love with being in love." ~ Love, Inc by Yvonne Collins
• "Tongue-tied and oh so squeamish, you never fell in love.  Did you get what you deserve?  The ending of your life." ~ Dead! by My Chemical Romance
• "Leave reality outside and come along for the ride." ~ Cirque Dans La Rue by the Plain White T's
• "After Tuesday, even the calender says 'WTF'." ~ anonymous
• "When I see a hot tub, I don't really see a hot tube.  I see a cauldron for people soup." ~ anonymous
• "I'm kind of a big deal." ~ anonymous
• "It's a burden being this smart." ~ anonymous
• "Can't fix stupid." ~ anonymous
• "I'm so clever that sometimes I can't understand a single word of what I'm saying." ~ anonymous
• "If history repeats itself, I'm so getting a dinosaur." ~ anonymous

Punk Rock

There's something about punk rock that makes me smile.  Every lyric seems to be full of mocking attitude and pure sarcasm.  But you have to have both the music and the lyric together for it to really work (the sarcasm, that is).  It's wonderful really.  Plus, if you just listen to what the lyrics are saying... well, there's a lot of crap, but underneath there is a message.  Not necessarily a bad message and not necessarily a good message, but something that maybe we should start listening to.  So do yourself a favor and listen to some punk rock.

 

Here are some examples of bands (and a taste of their music) that are classifed as PUNK.

• My Chemical Romance (MCR)
• Green Day
• Good Charlotte
• Paramore
• Simple Plan

 

PS:  Just cuz one of these bands say something, doesn't mean I believe in it.  Just so ya know.

To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

In this day and age, I believe that it is necessary to have a bit of insanity in our lives as to not go insane with boredom (try wrapping your head around that).  Here are a couple of tips to help you out.

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks .  Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write ' For Marijuana'

7. Finish all your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

9. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-thru order is 'To go'.

12. Sing along at the opera.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, Scream 'I won! I won!'

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, Yelling 'Run for your lives! They're loose!'

19. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'

Oh Crayola

While searching the web one day, I found this delightful picture.  I guess Crayola couldn't figure out anything else to name their crayons...  Check out these slightly adult named crayons that are oddly both great and horrible at the same time.

found at: www.i-am-bored.com

Pokemon In Real Life!

One of the best YouTube videos out there is Pokemon In Real Life by Smosh.  If you've ever played a Pokemon game on a gameboy (guilty) or watched others play or really know anything at all about Pokemon, it's freakin' hilarious.  They have three videos out: Pokemon In Real Life!, Pokemon In Real Life 2!, and Pokemon In Real Life 3!.

CAUTION:  It's kinda inappropriate (but still amazing).  Just thought you should know.

Best E-Mail Ever

So I was checking my e-mail today (like pretty much every else in the world) and I found that one of my friends sent me this e-mail.  I'm not going to lie, it is absolutely fabulous.  Truly, it is and you have not lived until you have read it.  So what are you waiting for?  Read it!
CAUTION:  There is some mild language.  Just thought you should know.

Random Thoughts of the Day:

*I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

*More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

*Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

*Why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

*Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

*I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

*The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

*Do you remember when you were a kid; playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no an internet or message board or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

* There is a great need for sarcasm font.

*Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

* I think everyone has a movie that they love so much that it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

*How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

*I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

*I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

*The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

*A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

*Was learning cursive really necessary?

*Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

*I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

*Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

*Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

*How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

*I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

*While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

*Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

*Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

*I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

*Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

*I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

*Bad decisions make good stories.

*Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

*Is it just me or do high school girls get smuttier & smuttier every year?

*If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

*Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

*You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

*Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

*There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

*I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

*"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

*I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

*While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

*I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

*I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

*When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

*I like all of the music on my iPod, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs.

*Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

*As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

*Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

*It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

*I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

*I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

*Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

*My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

*I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

*I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

*I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

*The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Parks And Recreation

Parks and Rec is all about the Parks and Recreation Department of Pawnee, Indiana.  It's kind of filmed like The Office (actually, it's a lot like The Office).  I think it's pretty funny, not my favorite show, but better than watching Pawn Stars for four hours straight (I have no life).  The first season isn't very good, but the second season is way better.  You get to know the characters and their stories.  So, yeah, if you're a Office fan, like comedy, and are into taking long walks by the beach*, I'd say check out!

*the long walks at the beach are optional; I myself have never taken a long walk at a beach so do not yet see the appeal

Evanescence: Delux

So right now I'm listening to Evanescence's newest album (the 5 year wait is over, buddy!) and it is blowing me away.  It's probably my hundredth time listening to it (I got it on Tuesday, heh), but every time it just seems to get even better.  If you've never heard Evanescence you a) have been living a shell of a life and b) must listen to this amazing music.  Click on this link to watch their Everybody's Fool music video (this song isn't on the new album, but it kicks some serious butt).  My favorite song on this album is probably Sick.  The lyrics are strong and true and the instruments are great as always, not to mention Amy Lee's crazy awesome voice.  Listen and be amazed.

"...now there's nothing that can change the way I feel.   Hold on, little girl, the end is soon to come."

~Sick, Evanescence

One of the Survivors by Susan Shaw

Joey Campbell survived and 24 others did not.  He should feel lucky that he and his best friend, Maureen, survived.  But he doesn't feel lucky.  Not when he can't stop thinking about the fire that killed the other kids in his history class.  Not when people stop outside his house to throw things at him and yell, "Murderer!"  Not when they think he started the fire.  Just because he survived.  Just because he is one of the survivors.

This was one of the most powerful books I've ever read.  I kept asking myself "What if?" along with the characters.  The suggested age group for this book is 10-14, but I personally think that adults and older teenagers should read this story too.  I think the best part of this book was when Joey wrote about his sketch in his journal.  Very strong writing right there, folks.