Answering Machines

Here are some of the best answering machine messages of all time.  Please, please, please use these for your own phones.  It will make calling people so much more fun.

• A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century.  Any message you leave will be broadcasted into the future.
• Hi, I'm not here, but my answering machine is, so talk to it instead.
• Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how we wonder who you are.  Leave a message at the beep.  We'll call back before you sleep.  Twinkle, twinkle, little star, bet you're wondering where we are.
• Greetings!  This is not an answering machine - this is a thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, reason for calling, and a number I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
• Hello.  Now you say something.
• Hi!  Bob's answering machine was broken.  This is his fridge.  Please speak very slowly.  I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
• Hi.  I'm probably here.  I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you.
• I'm not here, I'm rarely here, and when I'm here, I'm on the phone, so please leave a message at the tone!
• Hello, this is Suzie's microwave.  Her answering machine just eloped with the DVD player, so I'm stuck taking her calls.  If you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
• You've reached Alpha Centauri Space Station.  Commander Larry can't come to the phone right now.  He's either saving the universe from some dreaded, nameless peril - or perhaps he's taking a nap.  Leave your name and number and he will return your call.
• This is you-know-who.  I am you-know-where.  Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
• (said very fast)  Hi, I'm not here right now.  If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone.  If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6, and dial your number.  If you want to leave a name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message.  If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud, and.... *BEEP!*
• So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, please leave a message and I'll get back to thee.
• After the tone, please leave your name and number and tell me where you hid the money.
• Hello, I'm Brenda's answering machine.  What are you?
• Hi there.  This is Will speaking.  In a moment I have a decision to make.  Leave your name and number and I'll think about it.
• Thank you for calling.  If you wish to speak with Lily, press 1 now.  If you wish to talk with Lily's family, press 2 now.  If you have the wrong number, press 3 now.  All this button pushing does nothing, but it's a good way to work off frustration and it makes me feel like I have a big-time phone system.

You can find these and more wonderful answering machine messages in Uncle John's Bathroom Reader.  Leave your favorite answering machine message in the comments.