Beauty Queens by Libba Bray

Hello, people with Internet!  Sorry I haven't been posting - crazy teachers assigning homework and me having a life and all.  Weird, right?  Anyway, to make up for it I'm going to show you probably the funniest book ever.  It also has a good lesson for girls so bonus points!  (By the way, this really is a girl book.  Boys, you might like this, but I kinda doubt it.)

Title:  Beauty Queen
Author:  Libbra Bray (also wrote Going Bovine, A Great and Terrible Beauty, Rebel Angels, and The Sweet Far Thing)
Summary:  Fifty girls go to compete in The Corporation's "Miss Teen Dream" Beauty Pageant, but end up crash landing on an island in the middle of nowhere.  Will the beauty queens cave and give up because of  weird fruit, eating grubs, and battling giant snakes?  Or is this just the thing some of these girls needed to find themselves?  And what are these girls to do when a bunch of sexy pirates show up?  Worse yet, the Corporation seems to be up to no good....  Will these Miss Teen Dreams survive or will they end up a fabulous disaster?

What I thought of the book:  So, so, so good!!!  I've read a few of Libba Bray's other works and I'm not that big of a fan or anything, but this was really fun.  It wasn't a hard read, but it wasn't at a fifth grade reading level either.  Sometimes I thought there was too much going on (the pirates kind of threw me for a bit, but I'm better now), but I think Ms. Bray did a good job of describing what was going on and when.  The book was a bit, um, different with a transvestite and a lesbian, but it added character and depth to the story that I thought was very refreshing.  Honestly, I think every girl should read this book because of the lesson from the book - just because you're a girl that doesn't mean you are worth any less than a man.  (Whoo-hoo, girl power!)  To top it all off, this book is just freakin' hilarious.  I don't think I can describe it so instead I will show you some examples of the best lines in the book (calm down, I won't give anything away).  Enjoy!

"Ahem.  Dear Jesus," Taylor intoned more fervently.  "We just want to thank you for gettin' us here safe-"
There was a loud, gurgling groan.  Somebody shouted, "Oh my gosh!  Miss Delaware just died!"
"- for gettin' most of us here safe," Taylor continued.  "And we pray that, as we are fine, upstandin', law-adidin' girls who represent the best of the best, you will protect us form harm and keep us safe until we get rescued and can tell our story to People magazine.  Amen"

"Hi, y'all!  I'm Tiara Destiny Swan from Jackson, Mississippi, which is spelled M-I-double-S-I...um...shoot."

"Tiara..." Adina had lost all steam.  "What's your favorite color?"
Tiara's eyes darted left and right in fear and her smile was strained.  "Um.  Thank you, Fabio.  I personally believe that we have a duty such as... as Americans... to help other people who are not Americans such as the peoples of China and the Alaska and the freedoms we enjoy in our great nation and such and that is my opinion which I personally believe will make us a stronger nation.  Thank you."
Adina squeezed her hands against her head.  "What are you even saying?  You just made my brain die a little.  You know, people, just being beautiful isn't enough."
Tiara looked confused.  "But... it always has been."
(Funny, Tiara sounds a lot like Miss Teen USA South Carolina 2007.  Don't know what I'm talking about?  Check out this video)

"Hi.  I'm from Arkansas, the cantaloupe state.  And tonight, I hope you will hold my melons close to your heart and vote me your Miss Teen Dream."

Miss Mexico took a big bite and rolled her eyes in bliss.  "OMG, this is so good, I'm not even going to make myself barf it back up."

"They're gonna kill us?"  Tiara said.  "That's so mean."

Tiara gave a small wave of farewell.  "You know what?  Dumb is better than dead."

Agent Jones frowned.  "Men have feelings, too.  You bruised the petals of my man flower."

Well, I hope you are now happy and laughing!  This was just a taste of the book - there are many more wonderful and knee-slapping funny quotes that can be found inside the book.  Read and enjoy :)

ox, SC

New Game: Fish

In honor of my little brother who is in love with fish, I've added a new game to this site.  Yay!  It's called "Fish" and is very, very, very simple.  It probably shouldn't even be called a game.  But whatever.  Anyway, all you do is click on blue part and a bit of fish food appears where you clicked your cursor.  Then the fish swarm over in a panicked frenzy and eat the food as fast as they can while you watch in a fascinated horror.  It's surprisingly fun.  Now I have a question for you: what colors should the fish be?  Blue, green, white, black, orange, red, and yellow are the main colors, but I might be able to change them into something different.  Please post your suggestions below!

Answering Machines

Here are some of the best answering machine messages of all time.  Please, please, please use these for your own phones.  It will make calling people so much more fun.

• A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century.  Any message you leave will be broadcasted into the future.
• Hi, I'm not here, but my answering machine is, so talk to it instead.
• Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how we wonder who you are.  Leave a message at the beep.  We'll call back before you sleep.  Twinkle, twinkle, little star, bet you're wondering where we are.
• Greetings!  This is not an answering machine - this is a thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, reason for calling, and a number I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
• Hello.  Now you say something.
• Hi!  Bob's answering machine was broken.  This is his fridge.  Please speak very slowly.  I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
• Hi.  I'm probably here.  I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you.
• I'm not here, I'm rarely here, and when I'm here, I'm on the phone, so please leave a message at the tone!
• Hello, this is Suzie's microwave.  Her answering machine just eloped with the DVD player, so I'm stuck taking her calls.  If you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
• You've reached Alpha Centauri Space Station.  Commander Larry can't come to the phone right now.  He's either saving the universe from some dreaded, nameless peril - or perhaps he's taking a nap.  Leave your name and number and he will return your call.
• This is you-know-who.  I am you-know-where.  Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
• (said very fast)  Hi, I'm not here right now.  If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone.  If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6, and dial your number.  If you want to leave a name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message.  If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud, and.... *BEEP!*
• So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, please leave a message and I'll get back to thee.
• After the tone, please leave your name and number and tell me where you hid the money.
• Hello, I'm Brenda's answering machine.  What are you?
• Hi there.  This is Will speaking.  In a moment I have a decision to make.  Leave your name and number and I'll think about it.
• Thank you for calling.  If you wish to speak with Lily, press 1 now.  If you wish to talk with Lily's family, press 2 now.  If you have the wrong number, press 3 now.  All this button pushing does nothing, but it's a good way to work off frustration and it makes me feel like I have a big-time phone system.

You can find these and more wonderful answering machine messages in Uncle John's Bathroom Reader.  Leave your favorite answering machine message in the comments.

More Quotes (Aren't you lucky?)

I found these quotes at Smith Magazine and from the book I Can't Keep My Own Secrets.  All of these quotes are six words long - which is why they are called "Six Word Memoirs."  Some funny and some sad, I encourage you to read and come up with a few of your own.  You'd be surprised how much you can say with so little words.

• Super powers would make things easier.
• I giggle to cover all emotions.
• I'm army boots.  Ready for battle.
• You're the parent, act like one.
• Rather be alone in my room.
• They screamed "nobody."  I believed them.
• I looked it up on Wikipedia.
• Wikipedia didn't know either.  Oh well.
• Spent more time reading than living.
• I will be that cat lady.
• In love with best friend's boyfriend.
• I resent people who ignore grammar.
• Sick of being the good child.
• Can't live without a little insanity.
• Finally learned "weird" is a compliment.
• I'm just a simple human.  Being.
• Googled what he called me.  Ouch.
• Slowly becoming everything I hate.
• Learned that friends sometimes aren't forever.
• Fell in love with best friend.
• We're the family you gossip about.
• I miss all my imaginary friends.
• Replaced Prince Charming with someone real.
• Called walrus.  Should probably feel insulted.

Comment and leave some of your own Six Word Memoirs down below.

The Do's and Don'ts of Having a Stomach Flu During Christmas

Well, if you haven't guessed I have the stomach flu today (throwing up has never been so awful).  So if any of you are having stomach flu problems, either during Christmas or any other time of the year, I've complied a list of do's and don'ts of having a stomach flue.

 

• Do change into comfortable clothing.  It's no fun puking up your guts while wearing stiff clothing.
• Don't eat anything.  It's a bad idea for a number of reasons.
• Don't lie on your stomach.  It's more painful than you might think.
• Do watch a movie or some TV.  The best thing to do is relax and try to rest.  Plus, laughing is the best type of medicine.
• Do stay near a bathroom.  I think you can figure this one out.
• Don't read or try to think.  Yeah, writing this blog is probably a really bad idea.
• Don't ride in a car.  You will be muttering "Kill me.  Kill me now."
• Do have something ready to drink.  It helps settle your stomach and it's a great way to get some 7-Up.
• Don't go open your presents.  Trust me, you can wait.
• Do separate yourself from other people.  They may not say it, but they will appreciate you not making them sick as heck.
• Do take a nap.  You're going to be really tired.  Being sick to your stomach is hard work.
• Don't do anything.  At all.  Enjoy your day off as much as you can.

 

Have a merry Christmas everyone and keep healthy.
ox, Sarcastic Chick

Mulan (1998)

I've noticed that the older I get the more I enjoy kid movies.  Especially Disney kid movies.  They always seem to sneak in an inappropriate comment or two into their movies that as children we didn't see.  To celebrate being able to understand all the grown-up jokes thrown into movies, I've been watching a plethra of Disney lately.  My most recent movie (I seriously finished two minutes ago.  YouTube rocks.) was Mulan.  Now if you haven't seen Mulan here's pretty much what it's about:

Mulan is a girl, the only child of her honored family. When the Huns invade China, one man from every family is called to arms. Mulan's father, who has an old wound and cannot walk properly, decides to fight for his country and the honor of his family though it is clear that he will not survive an enemy encounter. Mulan, who just got rejected by the matchmaker because she had set her on fire, decides to prove that she is worth something and steals away to fit her father's place in the Chinese army. She prays to her family's ancestors for protection and luck before leaving as a man in her father's armor with her family's horse. The ancestors awake and decide to send Mushu, a little dishonored dragon to aid Mulan in her quest. Weeks later, Mulan and the other troopers have survived the training camp and are on the way north to stop the huns. After being spotted and pursued by the enemies, an impass situation in the mountains forces Mulan to come up with an idea. But then, her real gender will no longer be a secret. She decides to risk everything in order to save China.

I hadn't seen this movie in about five or six years, keep in mind.  So I did not expect the massive number of sly comments and less-than-clean scenes.  Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the movie:

"What's the matter?  Never seen a black and white before?"
"I never want to see a naked man again."
"No one's listening to me."  "What?"  "Mushu!"  "Sorry, you're a girl again."
"She's a woman!  She's not worth anything."
"You're too skinny.  Not good for having boys."
"I think I'm going to go pray some more."
"You know how it is when you get those manly urges and just have to go kill something..."  (bwahahaha!  This is my favorite quote!)
"Whoo!  Sign me up for the next war!"
"Concubines.  Ugly concubines."

Some of my favorite scenes:

When Mulan is bathing in the stream and the boys jump in with her.  Awkward.
When Mushu bites Ling in the ass.  "That was close."  "No that was vile!  You owe me."
When the boys sing "A Girl Worth Fighting For" and Mulan is in the middle of it.
When they cross-dress to save China!

As you can see, my viewing experience was very enjoyable.  What are your favorite kid movies that are sneakily inappropriate?  Please comment below!

Christmas Break = More Blogging

Christmas break is finally here *fist pump* (or if you are one of my friends - you know who you are - you would say "hip thrust!".... and then do it.  Social outings with her are always very interesting).  This means I have more time to post new blogs which is always a good thing.  So if you have any suggestions of things for me to review please leave a comment or e-mail me at sarcastic_comments@yahoo.com.  I'm hoping to do a couple more books since I've only done a couple so far.  Songs and videos are also awesome and really fun to share.  Thank you so much for reading and I hope to post a ton more very soon!  Peace out :P